Last week’s Dad jokes were so well received that I decided to bring them back for a sequel. Oh, and my picks on the other hand? More funny than meaty, as I skimmed around the .500 mark. Considering my 7-8 record against the spread in Week 5, perhaps KP’s Week 6 NFL Picks could be a situation where the sequel is better than the original.
A guy can dream, right?
I know, I know, quit the flapping of the gums and get to the Dad jokes already! I hear ya, don’t worry, here they are. Here’s mud in your eye!
What does that even mean?
“I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.”
Don’t walk away just yet, there are more Dad jokes on deck.
“Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.”
That joke stinks (Rex Ryan might approve though).
“I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.”
I hate myself for writing that one.
“What’s brown and sticky? A stick.”
Never mind. I hate myself for writing THAT one.
“What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.”
Ironic, because after that, you might be the only person that ends up reading this.
“What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.”
Pronounce it and then feel free to leave hate mail in the comments below.
Maybe I’ll just let Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) take it from here.
There, that’s better.
Ok, once again, I think you’ve had enough… for now?
Back to football and yes, KP’s Week 6 NFL Picks are in! Try to contain your excitement.
This week’s prognostication against the spread is based off the lines presented at CBS Sports. Get ready to watch the wins pile up.
KP’s “The Joke’s On You” Week 6 NFL Picks
New York Giants at New England Patriots (-16.5)
Daniel Jones has taken a step back since his stellar debut. After all, he is only one man. Yes, we must keep that in mind. The supporting cast has to perform well, too. We must consider the following when it comes to the Giants. Saquon Barkley (high ankle sprain) remains out. Evan Engram (knee) is also out. Sterling Shepand and Wayne Gallman (concussions) will not play. There are not too many warm bodies left. Translation: A group of backups (plus Golden Tate) are slated to face the top rated defense in the NFL on the road. We really don’t need any other info than that. PATRIOTS cover at home.
Carolina Panthers vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers – London (+2)
Christian McCaffrey is a one-man wrecking crew. There is really no other way to describe it. The fact that he is questionable with a back injury creates a sense of irony, because he’s carrying the offense. Hey, it’s Dad joke week, so bear with me. Kyle Allen has been steady at quarterback for Carolina, but he needs to cut back on the mistakes and the fumbling issues. The game is across the pond in London, which likely benefits neither team, because of each’s geographic location. The travel is similar. In the end, I love what the Panthers are doing defensively in recent weeks (e.g. 4th versus the pass). Give me the PANTHERS and a side of fish and chips.
New Orleans Saints at Jacksonville Jaguars (-1)
This is an interesting line. Vegas must also have a severe case of “Minshew Mania”. DJ Chark has been a major key to Jacksonville’s offensive success. Therefore, we could expect the “Lattimore Effect” and a shutdown day for him. Then again, maybe not, considering the time he spends in the slot. Teddy Bridgewater, meanwhile, continues to improve running the New Orleans offense. This day, however, will belong to Alvin Kamara, who will perform at a high level versus Jacksonville’s 25th ranked rush defense. Jacksonville does stay in games and has home field, but I really like the talent and balance of this Saints roster. SAINTS win outright on the road.
Houston Texans at Kansas City Chiefs (-5.5)
The Chiefs have not been fully entrenched in shootouts each week, like we have come to expect. This likely changes when K.C. hosts the Texans. This game smells like an air-it-out, high-scoring game between Deshaun Watson and Patrick Mahomes. With that thought in mind, we need to focus on Houston’s inability to regularly protect Watson. That and the somewhat mediocre stat lines being posted by DeAndre Hopkins. Statistically, the Kansas City defense is a respectable 13th in the NFL against the pass (237.2 ypg), while allowing 7 TD through the air and 4 INT. K.C. has 11 sacks (20th in the NFL), so it is possible that Watson could have more time to make plays. In what should be a competitive game, give me the TEXANS and the points in a close one.
Philadelphia Eagles at Minnesota Vikings (-3)
Breaking News: The Vikings threw the ball last week. This just in: It could happen again. Why? Well, you can throw on the Eagles (27th against the pass). It is also painfully difficult to run on the Eagles (1st in the NFL, 63 ypg). Kirk Cousins will need to take care of the ball and find both Diggs and Thielen throughout. While the Vikings have home field against Philly, so did the Packers. The Eagles find ways to win strongly contested games like this. In the end, the Vikes are a run first team. They have the talent to pass, but it’s not something they frequently do. Give me the “big game” EAGLES on the road.
Seattle Seahawks at Cleveland Browns (-1)
Despite the short rest and abysmal performance in San Francisco on Monday night, the Browns remain a slight favorite at home against Russell Wilson and the Seahawks. Make some sense of that. Quite honestly, the Browns aren’t a team anyone can figure out right now. Four year-olds full of sugar are more consistent. Cleveland is 7th against the pass but sit as one of just eight teams that have allowed double-digit touchdowns through the air. The Browns are also 29th against the run, which means we could see Chris Carson and Russell Wilson feast in the ground game. Give me the SEAHAWKS to take down the Browns in Cleveland.
Washington Redskins at Miami Dolphins (+3.5)
If you plan to watch this game, be sure to stock up your beer fridge first. If you do not have a beer fridge, then I would recommend buying one. Either that or get a keg. Perhaps you might want to consider just changing the channel. As for the game, the Dolphins are dead last against the run (175.8 ypg). The Redskins and interim head coach Bill Callahan have stated they want to run the ball, but as a team, are 27th in rushing offense and have no Trent Williams (holdout). Case Keenum is said to be back and will start. He has been effective when protected, which could be the case. Still, minus the Bengals, this is currently a battle for the top pick in the draft. It honestly smells like a 6-3 final, so give me the DOLPHINS and the points (I can’t believe I’m actually saying that).
Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens (-11.5)
The Ravens have not been all that sharp lately, including at home. Should Baltimore be such a heavy favorite against the lowly Bengals? It should also be noted that during the middle of the week, the Ravens had ten players not practicing. So, we ask the question again. Should Baltimore be this heavy of a favorite? Outside of a Week 1 destruction in Miami, Baltimore’s other two wins were by six and three points, respectively. The Bengals have played hard for its new head coach and while outmatched, they frequently stay in games. Give me the BENGALS and the points (Ravens by ten).
Atlanta Falcons at Arizona Cardinals (+2.5)
Superstar injuries are what we need to keep track of in the desert. David Johnson (back) is questionable and has missed the last two practices, while Julio Jones (hip) is also questionable. The absence of one (or the other) will make a huge difference in this game. The two pass defenses have combined to allow 24 touchdowns through the air (twelve a piece). The Cards have no interceptions through five games, which could be a good sign for Matt Ryan. In the end, I’m more worried about Johnson’s back injury. Those ailments linger. Give me the FALCONS to cover on the road.
San Francisco 49ers at Los Angeles Rams (-3.5)
Let’s open with two points: 1) The Niners are on short rest following a blowout win versus the Browns and 2) Is San Francisco getting no respect being undefeated facing a Rams defense that has been more than vulnerable in recent weeks? We always look at the talent of Aaron Donald, who is a force. Still, the Niners have allowed just four sacks on the season, the fewest in the NFL. The Rams have been throwing the ball a ton (2nd in passing offense), while the 49ers have been running the ball a ton (1st in rushing offense). Something has to give here, right? There will be a lot of talent on the field in this game and I think this one comes down to the wire. A late field goal wins it (take the 49ERS and the points).
Dallas Cowboys at New York Jets (+8.5)
Sam Darnold is cleared to play and will start for the Jets. That should be an added boost to an offense that desperately needs it. Dallas, meanwhile, has fallen back a bit since it’s opening three weeks against sub-par opponents. Expect Dallas to try to establish the run with Ezekiel Elliott, who faces a Jets run defense that is 7th in the NFL. Analysis aside, my gut says that Darnold returning gives the Jets a bit of momentum. I like Dallas to win, but this one will be close. Take the JETS and the points.
Tennessee Titans at Denver Broncos (-2.5)
The trenches first come to mind in this game. Tennessee has allowed 22 sacks (second most) and have 17 sacks of opposing QB’s (4th most). Denver, meanwhile, has just five sacks in five games, tied for the fewest in the league. Von Miller has underperformed and is likely to face double teams with Bradley Chubb out for the year. That opens the door for Marcus Mariota and Derrick Henry offensively. Surprisingly, the Titans join the Chiefs and Seahawks as the only three teams with no interceptions. I can’t figure out the Broncos and statistically, I like Tennessee better. Therefore, TITANS win.
Pittsburgh Steelers at Los Angeles Chargers (-6.5)
The Steelers are almost to the point of starting rookies at each of the key offensive positions. The Chargers have a ton of injuries, as well. Still, L.A. isn’t starting its third string quarterback and missing its primary receiving back. Pittsburgh also has a key receiver out and its starting tight end banged up. Philip Rivers, Keenan Allen and Melvin Gordon should be able to do enough damage offensively to win at home, right? Right! CHARGERS cover.
Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers (-4.5)
The Packers and Aaron Rodgers are tough to beat at home under the Monday night lights. Rodgers himself has had a lot of success against Detroit, with high TD totals, Hail Mary throws (for wins) and more. Despite all that, when you research the rivalry via The Football Database, the Lions have won four straight in the series. Detroit has proven me wrong a number of times during this young season. Will I learn my lesson? Despite the recent results, the Lions are still 20th against the run and 30th against the pass. Aaron Rodgers will throw the go-ahead TD in the 4th quarter and the Pack will go on to win. Yes, that’s a specific prediction and I apparently haven’t learned my lesson. PACKERS cover.
BYES: Chicago Bears | Buffalo Bills | Indianapolis Colts | Oakland Raiders
2019 NFL Season to Date (ATS)
Feel free to comment with either some of your picks or your favorite Dad joke. As always, thank you for visiting The Wife Hates Sports!
Archive: 2018 NFL Season (ATS)
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