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NFL Week 4 Picks: “And I thought my jokes were bad”

By |2018-09-29T11:15:17+00:00September 29th, 2018|2 Comments

It’s time to make NFL Week 4 selections and meanwhile, the wounds are still fresh from an abysmal Week 3 performance.

This is the punishment I get for incorporating Clueless into my repertoire.

How bad was Week 3 for those that may have missed it?  Of my top five picks of the week, I landed a ripe ol’ goose egg.

Oh-for-five.

The Patriots were atrocious for a second consecutive week and the Bills shocked the world by trouncing the Vikings on the road.

Yet, here I am, brushing the dust off and asking you to trust me with these selections for NFL Week 4 – and also asking you not to laugh and simply shrug your shoulders after screaming…

“Yeah, right!  I trust you like a trust a toddler in a candy store, KP!”

These picks WILL be better – and I’m going 5-0 this week!

Yes, I’m serious.

No, really – let’s do this.

Here are MY FIVE LOCKS for the week, with my NFL Week 4 WINNERS against the spread in RED:

KP’s Serious-No-Joke Picks for NFL Week 4

FIVE – New York Jets at Jacksonville Jaguars (-7.5)

After how ugly Sam Darnold played against a solid Browns defense (and a pumped up Cleveland crowd), it’s hard not to expect a similar showing against one of the most ferocious defenses in the league.  The key to covering lands with Blake Bortles, as the Jets pass defense allows 204.0 ypg and has more INT’s (5) than TD’s allowed (3).  Look for the Jags defense to overwhelmingly win the turnover battle, and in a handful of days, we’ll all be rich because of it!

Or not.  Either way, Jags cover.

FOUR – Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals (+3)

Yes, the Seahawks are not the dominant force that we are used to seeing in recent years, but Russell Wilson is still running the offense and Doug Baldwin is expected to return from injury.  Meanwhile, the Cardinals are dead last in the NFL in both passing and rushing offense.  Toss in rookie Josh Rosen, who will be making his first ever regular season start (a major “test”, so to speak).   This one could get out of hand quickly.  With all this in mind, Vegas has still set the line at just three points.

“That’s just, that’s very funny to me…”

“… y’all ain’t laughing, though…”

Seattle will get the last laugh – ‘Hawks cover on the road.

THREE – Cincinnati Bengals at Atlanta Falcons (-5.5)

The Falcons are really being challenged from a depth perspective, especially on the defensive side, after losing Deion Jones and Keanu Neal, among others.  Devonta Freeman is also out for another week, leaving a lack of depth in the run game.  Atlanta will need to avoid falling into a situation like “The Money Pit”, where everything falls apart around them.  How long will it take to clean up the injury bug?  Two weeks.  OK, that reference may be a stretch, but this pick is no laughing matter.  Give me the Bengals  and the points in tub-crashing fashion.

TWO – Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots (-6.5)

Three times a charm with the Pats?  Clearly, I’m living and dying with New England after taking the Patriots in the previous two weeks.  The Dolphins are undefeated and looking to build an even larger lead in the division, while New England has “floundered”, ranking in the bottom ten against both the pass and the run.  Will this be the week Josh Gordon gets playing time?  Can the New England offense get on track against a Miami pass D that has allowed just two TD’s, yet is ranked 29th in yards allowed?  These are all open questions, leaving me to decide whether to focus on the fish, or to instead “cut bait” with the Brady-led Patriots.

“And I thought my jokes were bad…”

Fine, fine… I’ll take the Patriots to “right the ship” and cover at home.

ONE – Philadelphia Eagles at Tennessee Titans (+4)

Yes, the Titans did knock off the Jags last week on the road.  But I’ll borrow Kawhi Leonard’s line when forming an opinion.  Hey, Tennessee: “I don’t know where you sittin’ at!”

Marcus Mariota isn’t healthy and the offense has been inconsistent.  The Titans pass offense ranks in the bottom five in total yards.  That leaves the run game, which will be facing an Eagles defense that is ranked first in the NFL, allowing just 61.7 ypg.  That doesn’t sound promising.

Laugh as much as you want, but I’m taking the Eagles to cover on the road.

Wait, Why Not These Games?

Minnesota Vikings at Los Angeles Rams (Rams -6.5) > My gut says the Vikings aren’t as bad as last week (and they weren’t… it was played Thursday)

Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts (Colts -1) > The Texans are due, but it’s hard to trust ’em on the road (especially against a division rival)

Buffalo Bills at Green Bay Packers (Packers -9.5) > The Packers are hobbled, yet will be energized by home crowd; Will the real Bills stand up?

Detroit Lions at Dallas Cowboys (Cowboys -3) > I don’t trust either team

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Chicago Bears (Bears – 3) > We need to know TB’s official starting QB (is it “FitzMagic”?)

Cleveland Browns at Oakland Raiders (Raiders -2.5) > The Baker bandwagon is full (and overflowing), but I need to see more

San Francisco 49ers at Los Angeles Chargers (-10.5) > Too obvious, like Bills-Vikings was last week

New Orleans Saints at New York Giants (Giants +3.5) > Giants pass defense nearly cracks the top ten

Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers (Steelers – 3) > Steelers-Ravens is always a dogfight

Kansas City Chiefs at Denver Broncos (Broncos +4.5) > This begs shootout, so KC is tempting

2018 NFL Season to Date (ATS)

Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3

Don’t forget the SportsChump/KP/J-Dubs Pick ’em Contest!

 

Happy football – and as always, thanks for visiting The Wife Hates Sports!

Laughing Movie Credits: Spiderman 2 | Austin Powers | Men in Black | The Money Pit | The Dark Knight

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About the Author:

Kevin Paul is the creator of The Wife Hates Sports, a freelance sportswriter, full-time QA manager, part-time craft beer tester and full-time Dad. Oh and yes, it is true, the wife REALLY does HATE sports. Maybe I need to create a support group like the Hair Club for Men, where I'm "not only the President, but a member".

2 Comments

  1. admin October 6, 2018 at 8:28 AM

    Ha ha, Chump… oh c’mon, tell me you didn’t laugh at most or all of those videos (if you watched them)… my picks were no joke this week… let’s see what Week 5 will bring

  2. SportsChump September 30, 2018 at 10:46 AM

    Your jokes ARE bad… and your picks untimely.

    Good luck today, brother.

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