The Wifetionary is a living and breathing The Wife Hates Sports dictionary that occasionally dabbles outside of the wife hatin’ sports box.  Today’s Turkey Mobile story is one of those rare occasions.

Chances are, you read the title of this particular entry and immediately thought:

  • Have you been drinking, KP?
  • Why are we talking about turkeys in July?
  • I’m bored, so I’ll commit to your strange, yet intriguing title

Let’s get to the story, shall we?

New Hotness

99.9% of you at some point in your life have purchased an automobile to get you from point A to point B.  A smaller percentage bought that car brand spankin’ new and an even smaller number have gone through the dealer dance multiple times.

I recently purchased a new car and for the record… I love this bleepin’ car.

At first, I called her “new hotness” – and yes, that is borrowed from Will Smith’s Agent J via Men in Black II.

But what about the turkeys?  Way to bury the lead, buddy.

Don’t get your gizzard in a twist, friend.

For most men – and that includes yours truly – getting a new set of wheels is almost like adding a newborn child to the family (THE WIFE will love that line).

We see scratches that are dirt marks and dings that are just bird droppings.  Yes, we hose that thing down like we would a dog that spends an afternoon in a mud bath.  We park a mile away from every store and ensure shopping carts are nowhere within reach.

That takes this story to…

The turkey?

Yes, YES… now please clamp that beak down and let me speak.

We Don’t Do Turkeys

That takes the story to a few weeks ago.  I had to take a pizza box out to the trash, when I noticed our next door neighbors staring at my driveway in an equally-portioned concoction of bewilderment and curiosity.

“Kevin, who’s your friend?”, they asked.

“Huh?”, I replied.

In our driveway, a turkey was perched on the roof rack of our old Toyota.

“What the hell?”, I thought.

“Uh, I’m going to go get my camera…”, I said, as my neighbors laughed.

It was funny and strange at the time, especially considering the fact that these birds typically travel in packs and don’t usually hang out on cars.

OK, they never hang on cars.

In fact, over the years living in Massachusetts, we have seen packs of at least three turkeys traveling around the area.  Friends of mine regularly see a dozen or more together in their neighborhoods.

Therefore, it comes as no surprise that most people don’t believe me when I tell this story and that’s also why I have both video and photographic evidence.

wifetionary turkey mobile

Wifetionary: There’s a turkey terrorizing cars in my neighborhood. No, really.

This bird apparently lost its family and continues to come back, no matter what we do.  Screaming at it, chasing it down the street or spraying water at it… nothing has worked.  We even called animal control to have it removed peacefully and the response we received was:


Of course not.

I can’t say I was shocked, because it’s not like turkeys are typically a threat, although I have heard they can be nasty at times.  But it’s not like we have a wild panther roaming through the neighborhood or anything.

Two days later, this maniacal bird was again back and perched on the hood of my brand new car – my “new hotness”.

Worse, before we could react, it decided to stroll down the front of the hood and not surprisingly, slipped and had to catch its balance, leaving a series of scratches all down the hood of the car.

The Turkey Mobile is Born!

This brand new car… with just 150 miles on it.  This car that has been parked so far from The Home Depot that a person would require binoculars to get a view of the neon orange sign and main entrance.

Here I sit, spending my Saturday afternoon at a car dealership service area, almost feeling like I’m waiting for my car to get out of surgery.

Naturally, to pass the time, I decided that creating a Wifetionary term for this ridiculous incident was only fitting.  I simply had to share this story.

And with that, the Turkey Mobile is born!

The next step will be to keep this car from being a bird hotel again… to prevent this Johnny Manziel-like turkey from trashing someone else’s property for a second time.

My property.

So, here I sit – and damn, am I getting hungry.

I wonder if the cafe has any turkey sandwiches for sale.