The “Wifetionary” is a detailed, custom dictionary of terms specifically generated at The Wife Hates Sports. This page will be updated sporadically throughout the life of the site.
Feel free to nominate terms of your own (via the “CONTACT TWHS” button at the top of the home page). Any submissions – as long as tasteful enough and accepted by management – will be featured here along with a credit.
The Clock Manager – COMING SOON – This gem of a story will have a blog of its own, and when that’s out, we’ll reveal the definition here.
The Expert-In-Law (Courtesy of Joe L.) – In an attempt to bond with me, she (the mother-in-law) pays closer attention to the sports I watch, buys team shirts and sweatshirts to wear for the big games and in the beginning, she was your typical “20 questioner” but as time passed, she became an expert. Now, on the rare occasion when we are all in the same room watching a game and THE WIFE asks a question about what’s going on, before I can give an answer, The Expert-In-Law gives a complex answer that is almost always off the mark.
Fertile Attraction – When THE WIFE becomes a fan of a particular team due to one particular athlete. For example, when THE WIFE becomes a fan of Tom Brady and the New England Patriots because she thinks Brady is hot. The most common phrase that you will hear coming from her mouth is: “I want to have his babies.”
Gorgonzola – Yes, it’s a cheese – but it’s also so much more. In sports, this is what THE WIFE calls Gonzaga’s basketball program. She often picks them in March Madness – except for the 2010 NCAA Tournament, where she was sick of them underachieving and busting her brackets. Here’s hoping Adam Morrison isn’t too upset about this name.
The Inopportunist – It’s 4th and goal at the 1, 10 seconds to go, your team is down 6, and THE WIFE chooses the appropriate time to either ask a question or walk in front of the television. It’s in-opportunistic and painful – and it happens a lot.
JAGs – It’s not a television show, an NFL football team, or a Christian rock band, but instead it’s THE WIVES that choose to tell you that it’s Just A Game, all after your favorite team just lost a heartbreaker – and the wounds are still gaping and painfully fresh.
Mylanta Momma – This is THE WIFE that – when at a live sporting event – will scream more obscenities than every male in her section. Call it borderline “diarrhea of the mouth”, and – as a man – we still can’t decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing – or perhaps a combination of both.
The Onion Peeler – For those that are unaware, having “big onions” is another term for “big balls” – and when it comes to sports – quite often, us men feel we know a lot about the sports we’re most passionate about. That’s where THE WIFE comes in and takes us down a notch. Often, THE WIFE will ask the most off-the-wall and impossible to answer questions… and when we don’t know the answer, the response is: “I thought you knew a lot about sports.” Yeah, talk about bustin’ your onions – or peeling them. Either way, it stinks – and makes your eyes water, too.
Piggybacking – The art in which the male species anticipates a future GIRLS NIGHT out, then formulates a plan with his circle of friends, to ensure that the significant others of THE WIFE’S friends are able to get out and participate in a GUYS NIGHT on the same day.
The Pointologist – All excitement of THE WIFE showing interest in the score of a game immediately gets flushed down the toilet when she chimes in and refers to any score in a denomination of “points”. No sir, bowling isn’t pins, hockey isn’t goals and baseball isn’t runs. The “Pointologist” WIFE always asks, “How many points are they up by?”
The Questionnaire – Hey, I’m all for THE WIFE asking questions to try and learn more about sports, but it’s those parties out there that ask so many questions that the game “20 Questions” appears to be as short as Jay Leno’s prime time career.
The Reversee – This is THE WIFE that always states the score with your team’s score first, no matter what the outcome. Sorry, kids – but our team didn’t lose “13 to 24″ – it was a loss, but with a final of 24-13.
The Riot – A buddy was over for a BBQ – and he brought THE WIFE with him. After dinner, the group hung out and turned on the TV, and began watching the Cubs and Phillies game. Ryan Theriot came up to the plate, when the buddy’s WIFE said, “Who is the riot?” Yeah, it’s “tear-ree-oh”. I researched it further and couldn’t track down Theriot’s nickname by players – but usually in baseball, it’s a part of their name, plus the letter “Y”. However, some fans and broadcasters have referred to him as “The Riot”. Either way, “THE RIOT” is what I plan to call him from now on.
Two Chickens – When men are often accused of not listening to women, KP once retorted with the fact that women do the same thing. To explain the concept, he didn’t use a sports-related story, as it wouldn’t get the point across. Instead, he used a separate example by telling a farmer story strictly based on cows (add in custom details – milk, milking, whatever you wish). In the end, two chickens were also mentioned – but only once. After stopping to ask if THE WIFE had heard one thing he said, she responded with, “Yes, two chickens.” Use this story at parties, friends – it kills.
“The Wife” – A term often used by men, when they are out with other guys. Call it a term of endearment, if you will. Instead of using the name of the significant other – it can be a girlfriend, a rumored girlfriend, or even an actual wife – this is a term frequently used by the male species. It’s often more accepted than nicknames such as “the old lady” or “the boss”.