Baseball’s steroid era has a new wrinkle, and has once again been thrust back into the news – much like a needle into Jose Canseco’s you-know-what. This time, it’s Roger Clemens resurfacing into the headlines.
And the news isn’t good for the seven-time Cy Young award winner known as “The Rocket”.
Earlier today, Clemens was indicted by a federal grand jury and faces six counts, including allegedly lying to Congress in regards to steroid and HGH use.
But, more importantly… the question I’m once faced with is: What to do with that Roger Clemens rookie card?
I’ve had it since I was a kid. But now, I think there may be some better uses for it.
And all this time I thought I was sitting on a gold mine disguised in cardboard form.
Instead, the recent story in the “Clemens Saga” has likely forced the value of the card to plummet faster than the career of Lindsay Lohan.
Like Formula 409, there are a thousand uses for that Clemens piece of paraphernalia, with all likely to be more valuable than the card itself.
Take the following possibilities…
New Uses for My Roger Clemens Rookie Card**
Use as a bookmark in Jose Canseco’s book “Juiced”.
Put it on eBay packaged with a LeBron James Cavaliers jersey.
File it away with my Enron stock.
Grab a pencil and track all the changes to the Mountain West Conference.
Use as a flap on a bike wheel.
Use as a replacement for the missing “Joker” card in my incomplete deck.
Keep a running tally (and competition) to compare the number of F-bombs between Ozzie Guillen and Rex Ryan.
Place it under the leg of an unbalanced table.
Use as an accessory in the payload of a model rocket… oh, the irony.
Store in a dictionary where the word “misremembered” should appear.
Use as trade bait for a fabricated Senator Mitchell rookie card.
Morph it into a Garbage Pail Kid card, titled “’Roid Roger”.
Use as a canary cage liner.
Store it in a Miller Lite can and give it to McNamee years down the road.
Use as a drink coaster.
Trade it for a card to be named later.
Use as a place to put used gum, specifically those cardboard sticks that came with Topps cards.
Help save the planet… recycle it.
Use it as kindling.
Grab a pen and use it to track Brett Favre’s many retirements.
Use it to jot notes on Bill Belichick’s post-game speeches (with room to spare).
Store it away with my Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds rookie cards.
Use along with others in the Steroid Era to create wallpaper (in Martha Stewart-like fashion).
Cut it into an asterisk shape and use as an ornament for the holidays.
Use it to keep track of how many offspring Travis Henry has (trust me, you’ll need a pen and something to write on).
And last but certainly but least…
Use as emergency T.P.
* Note: This is a spinoff and slight variation of a post from the blog I kept at Fox Sports (KP’s Blog) – and one that was originally written on February 21, 2008
** Disclaimer: This post is all in good fun. In no way am I stating that Roger Clemens is guilty of using steroids or HGH. I acknowledge the fact that his image is toast, and reports state that the value of his baseball cards have dripped dramatically in recent years.
As always, thanks for reading. – KP – The Wife Hates Sports
REV—
Killing me, man. Honestly, I’m pretty sure I have both the Fleer and Topps Clemens cards… there was a stretch there that I was getting a lot of cards from both brands… depended on the year, but I’m fairly confident that I have a lot of cards that cover some of the greats that happened to admit using steroids. Kind of frustrating… maybe years and years down the road, their value will go up a lot for that reason? Who the heck knows…
AERO–
Ha ha, yes, a before and after photo is definitely something that should have been included – good call.
The whole thing with Clemens is pretty unreal – actually, the only player’s situation that may be more ridiculous would be Bonds if you ask me. I can’t say that about Canseco, because he was right with a lot of what he said.
Amy–
Thanks!!
Ha ha, great line with “being careful” on the T.P. … so true, sharp cardboard edges, I’m sure that wouldn’t be a comfortable situation.
It is frustrating though that I do have a lot of rookie cards from some of these players – and the value of their cards have gone to squat.
Exactly, man.
I have a few of those myself.
Actually, the more valuable Clemens rookie card was the one that was released in that 1984 Fleer Update set.
I think it was going for about $300 at one point.
Hopefully, Rocket sold about 1000 of those at their high point to pay for this trial.
You could use it as the before picture as opposed to the after picture of his bloated butt lying to congress, with a caption, “only dopes use dope”. That should stop a lot of kids from ever juicing.
Hilarious, all good uses. Thankfully it is big enough to keep track of Favre and his shenanigans. McGwire, Sosa, Bonds and Clemens: a whole bunch of money right down the drain. Knowing me, I’d probably burn it. Then again, I would never have anything that pertains to the Red Sox in my house. And if you must use it as emergency T.P., please be careful :)