This year, I decided that I wanted to throw the greatest Super Bowl party ever.
In order to get the ball rolling, I thumbed through my little black book, which happens to contain a plethora of contact information for a number of various celebrities in both the entertainment business and sports world.
Sad to say, after all my efforts, I struck out miserably – much like a clean Sammy Sosa.
Either way, this Super Bowl Eve, I felt it would be worth sharing the responses that I DID receive:
Celebrity Excuses for NOT Attending My Super Bowl Party (2014 Edition)
Jerry Jones – He thinks he can do a better job with his own party, and refuses to hire anyone else to make party-related decisions. HIS LOSS.
Robert Griffin III – He didn’t give a reason, which is surprising, considering he’s been the master of providing excuses for about a year now.
Richard Sherman – I heard that he balked at the fact that I would be serving CRAB DIP.
Justin Bieber – He heard I wouldn’t be serving any Sizzurp.
Marshawn Lynch – He didn’t give a reason, and quite honestly, didn’t say much of anything. It’s a damn shame, because I bought a pantload of Skittles.
Mike Ditka – It was an emphatic “NO”, as he thinks cold weather Super Bowl parties are stupid.
Rob Chudzinski – He declined after not seeing the word “Annual” on the invitation, as he’s easily agitated by “one and done” situations.
Shia Labeouf – He heard I wouldn’t be serving any Sizzurp. Yes, he stole Justin’s excuse.
Jim Harbaugh – He gave no reason. My best guess is that Wal-Mart had a sale on pants.
Gary Busey – He said, “I doubt it”, then followed up by telling me that DOUBT stands for “Debate on Understanding Bewildersome Thoughts”. Yeah, a simple ‘NO’ would have worked for me.
Eli Manning – From what I hear, he actually planned on coming, but was intercepted on the way over.
Floyd Mayweather – He didn’t want to gamble with making the trip, and risk not arriving to my place on time. That came as quite a shock actually.
Tom Brady – One word response: “Gisele”. Sure, go ahead and rub it in, Tommy, but you’re missing out on some mean seven-layer dip.
Masahiro Tanaka – He gave 155 million reasons, but my party ain’t one. I found that to be a strange response, considering Jay-Z’s not his agent.
Rob Ford – My party just couldn’t promise enough “crazy” for him. But seriously.
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino – The conversation went downhill after I told him that all he needed to bring was a six-pack.
Nick Saban – My party may have stood a chance if at some point during the night, I were featuring either the “Electric Slide” or the “Chicken Dance”.
And last, but certainly not least…
Kellen Winslow Jr. – I decided to rescind the invitation once I heard that he was stopping at Target to grab some beef jerky to bring over.
It appears that I will not be having any famous people over to my pad on Super Bowl Sunday.
Seriously, what the hell am I going to do with all this seven-layer dip?
Oh well, enjoy Super Bowl XLVIII, friends!
Disclaimer: In all honesty, I know zero celebrities – and don’t even own a little black book. This was merely an attempt at humor, but hey, you probably knew that already, didn’t you?