THE WIFE decided that without football in the way, this past Sunday would be as good as any to hit a hardware store striving to complete a soon-to-be house project.

Only, this project isn’t anything that Tim Taylor would grunt about, so don’t get your tool belt all in a twist due to all the excitement.

The assignment: Choosing Paint Colors

Anything can be entertaining if you put your mind to it – especially this project, as it turned out – which didn’t sound too attractive on paper… or should I say walls?splattered-paint1

The funny thing is: Paint color names may be among the most ridiculous on Earth – so much that they can bring many laughs to an otherwise dull Sunday.

Take the following real-life examples: Gypsy Love, Hot Lips, Crocodile Tears, Chickadee, Mercy Me, Quantum Leap, Faithful Decision, Sticky Glue, Ringmaster, Beebop, Fellow Companion, Savory Taste, Princely, Saucy, Deer Path, Secret Garden, Tippy Toes, Sailor’s Delight, I’ve Got The Blues and what may be my personal favorite, Shy Cherry… yeah, definitely not a color that Tiger Woods has ever used to paint one of his rooms.

Damn, I went there – and I’m also going here – and putting together a list of paint colors and what they would be called if applied to some of the teams, stars and coaches in the world of sports.

The World of Sports Described in Ridiculous Paint Color Names

Tom Brady – Bieber Brown

Dude, Tom – seriously, what’s with the new ‘do, man?


What’s worse for Boston fans: Brady caught in a Yankees hat or with Bieber hair?

Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens – Celebration

Imagine the touchdown creativity that will ensue with these two personalities on the field in Cincinnati.  They can only be painted in “Celebration”…

Joe Paterno – Longevity

Harp all you want on his health, Paterno is back – and he doesn’t appear to be going anywhere just yet.  Just don’t paint the helmets.

Rick Pitino – Infidelityrick-pitino-louisville-white-suit

It’s definitely a member of the cardinal-red family, but I hear this paint color dries in seconds.

Rich Rodriguez – Hot Seat

It’s deep, warm and fiery – and not your standard color, but more so of one that tends to break all the rules.

Brett Favre – Indecision

C’mon, could it have been anything else?  Actually, it almost sounds like a fragrance that Brett should market, too.  Indecision, by Calvin Klein…

Albert Haynesworth – Asinine Red

Move along, Brett Favre… Albert Haynesworth is easily the most annoying story during this NFL offseason – and it’s not even close.  He’s doused in asinine red.

Buck Showalter – Orange You Gladsplattered-paint2

Seriously, the color names are this bad… and besides, the folks in the Charm City are glad that Buck is managing the Birds, and getting them to wake up and play some ball lately.

LeBron James – South Beach

It’s the color of money, victory and relocation all mixed into one.  Oh, and it smells a little bit like burning polyester jerseys.

Tarvaris Jackson – Bitter Pill

It’s a mixture of purple and red – much like a shade of red that someone turns in the face when they are disgusted, frustrated, or angry.smurfette

Chris Peterson & Boise State Football – Smurf Turf

Sure, it’s the official color of the football field, but now… bring it into your home or turn your lawn into Broncos heaven!  Either that, or piss off THE WIFE and sing “La la la-la-la-la” while you paint.

Stephen Strasburg & Bryce Harper – Franchise

Who knows, maybe this rich color is painted on both Strasburg and Harper’s lockers within the Nationals organization.  Soon, Strasburg’s may need a primer, followed by a replacement color called “Injury Prone”.

Oregon Football – Duck and Cover

No one knows what the hell this color really is, because it changes so frequently.

Darrelle Revis – Revis Island Green

Yes, of course it’s green – but not so much a kelly green shade that one would expect – and instead closer to the color of money.

Rory McIlroy – Poke The Bear


Ozzie’s paint is @#$%ing great!

If McIlroy were to wear golf outfits of a specific color, it should be called “Poke the Bear”, mainly due to his recent comments about Tiger Woods and how he’d love to play him at The Ryder Cup.  Talk about potentially waking a sleeping giant… yikes.

Rex Ryan and Ozzie Guillen – Expletive

Rumor has it that each of these coaches has their homes covered in this shade that can’t be described in any other way than “$%#@ing great”.

And finally…

Tim Tebow – Walk On Water

Yeah, enough said.


The next time you’re searching for paint – I bet it will be a whole new ballgame for you.

* This post is for humor-related purposes only – and no rumor mentioned is true.

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