The concept of a man hogging the remote is an old wive’s tale – literally. Face it, the women get their hot little hands on the TV’s main life force just as much as we do – and that can result in a mean-spirited battle for couch potato domination… or perhaps something not quite that dramatic.
Either way, every man could use a leg up on the wife when it comes to the TV – and if I can do my part to help the men of the world survive, then gosh darnit, well… I’ve earned my man card for the week.
Take these TV nuggets of advice – coupling a great MAN event against something that’s syrupy sweet and PURE EVIL a.k.a. something the WIFE may want to see.
TAKE BACK the TV!!
Note: All times based off Eastern Time schedule – Check local listings for channel info
Remote Controlling: The Man’s TV Guide to Outsmart The WIFE
(August 11-15, 2010)
Wednesday August 11, 2010: Primetime
Two of the American League’s best teams face off, with the “Evil Empire” taking on Nolan’s boys in Arlington. We’re not just talking must-see baseball, but plop your ass down the couch, see if you can balance a beer on your stomach baseball.
But don’t get comfortable, because that remote could be gone quicker than Ellen could be off of American Idol, because…
8:00 PM on TVGN – French Kiss – Starring Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline
Any romantic comedy that’s based in Paris – the city of love – is cause for a red flag. We don’t care how bad Kevin Kline’s accent is in this movie THE WIFE is likely to be tempted to switch over. Besides, there’s a character named Jean-Paul in this flick, and that’s never good.
SIDE NOTE ALERT: How has Big Brother managed to outlast shows like 24, or really any show that has carnage and explosions? Seriously, if you actually watch Big Brother please raise your hand. Scratch that… speak up – because I seriously don’t think I know one person that watches.
Thursday August 12, 2010: Primetime
8:00 PM on ESPN – NFL Exhibition – Carolina Panthers at Baltimore Ravens
8:00 PM on GOLF – Live From the PGA Championship
Men: Do your thumb exercises on the way home from work and prepare to get ready to use the “Previous Channel” button on your remote.
First, it’s NFL preseason – and we don’t care if Joe Blow or Johnny Underpants are playing for three-quarters of the game, it’s football and our mouths have been watering for it for months. Here’s a dose where we could get a peak at Ravens newcomer Anquan Boldin or Carolina rookie QB Jimmy Clausen.
Second, there’s first round coverage of golf’s final major of the year – and people will be curious to see if Tiger will rebound, or continue to be a train wreck.
So, SECURE THE REMOTE because…
8:00 PM on FOX – So You Think You Can Dance – Season 7 Finale
If THE WIFE is hooked on this show, there’s a good shot that you’ll have your hands full, because tonight is finale night.
Personally, I get annoyed when a show that has judges that consistently showers its contestants with kindness. This show needs a little dose of Simon Cowell.
Friday August 13, 2010: Primetime
Fridays are tough, because we all know there are a lot of different options – so it’s PICK YOUR PLEASURE – and among my recommendations from the sports world include Live From The PGA Championship (GOLF), NASCAR Racing Spring Cup Qualifying (SPEED), Little League Baseball (ESPN) and Hard Knocks: Training Camp With the New York Jets (HBO). There are also a few classic comedies (American Pie 2) and bang ‘em up, shoot ‘em up action flicks (Die Hard 2), too.
Unfortunately, it’s also PICK YOUR POISON…
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED:
8:00 PM – When a Man Loves a Woman – Starring Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia
Damn you, Meg Ryan – you’re up to no good again. Let’s hope THE WIFE didn’t notice.
8:00 PM – Monster-InLaw – Starring Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez
C’mon now, the New York Jets will never let you hear the end of it if you wind up avoiding Hard Knocks for a romantic wedding comedy. Oh and I’ll definitely tell Rex Ryan…
Saturday August 14 and Sunday August 15, 2010
Afternoon Hours – PGA Championship Third and Final Round Coverage
The headliner this weekend is the PGA Tour’s final major of the year – and by this point, we’ll have a good idea as to whether any of the big names like Tiger or Phil have a shot.
But before then, we must make sure that we don’t need to take a mulligan on remote access…
Saturday August 14, 2010
2:30 PM on Oxygen – The Perfect Man – Starring Heather Locklear and Hilary Duff
Fight the urge to sneak a peak at the cougar Locklear.
3:00 PM on Lifetime – Because I Said So – Starring Mandy Moore and Diane Keaton
Don’t watch. Why? Well, because I said so… duh.
Sunday August 15, 2010
You’re likely to get competition from Definitely, Maybe on Oxygen at 4:30pm, plus He’s Just Not That Into You at 5:15pm on MOMAX.
However, if the PGA Championship and other events are not cutting the mustard, then the classic comedy Wedding Crashers is on Comedy Central at 5:30pm.
“Yes! Crabcakes and football, that’s what Maryland does!”