Baseball’s steroid era has a new wrinkle, and has once again been thrust back into the news – much like a needle into Jose Canseco’s you-know-what.

This time, it is Roger Clemens resurfacing into the headlines – and the news isn’t good for the seven-time Cy Young award winner known as “The Rocket”.

Earlier today, Clemens was indicted by a federal grand jury and faces six counts, including allegedly lying to Congress in regards to steroid and HGH use.

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So, more importantly… the question I’m once again faced with is: What to do with that Roger Clemens rookie card?

Heck, I’ve had it since I was a kid, but now, I think there may be some better uses for it.  And just think, all this time, I thought I was sitting on a gold mine disguised in cardboard form.

Instead, the recent story in the “Clemens Saga” has likely further caused the value of that card to plummet faster than the career of Lindsay Lohan.  Just like Formula 409, there are a thousand uses for that Clemens piece of paraphernalia, all likely to be more valuable than the card itself.

Take the following possibilities…

.

New Uses for My Roger Clemens Rookie Card**

- Use as a bookmark in Jose Canseco’s book “Juiced”.

- Put it on eBay packaged with a LeBron James Cavaliers jersey.

- File it away with my Enron stock.

- Grab a pencil and track all the changes to the Mountain West Conference.

- Use as a flap on a bike wheel.

- Use as a replacement for the missing “Joker” card in my incomplete deck.

- Keep a running tally (and competition) to compare the number of F-bombs between Ozzie Guillen and Rex Ryan.

- Place it under the leg of an unbalanced table.

- Use as an accessory in the payload of a model rocket… ahh, the irony.

- Store in a dictionary where the word “misremembered” should appear.

- Use as trade bait for a fabricated Senator Mitchell rookie card.

- Morph it into a Garbage Pail Kid card, titled “’Roid Roger”.

- Use as a canary cage liner.

- Store it in a Miller Lite can and give it to McNamee years down the road.

- Use as a drink coaster.

- Trade it for a card to be named later.

- Use as a place to put used gum, specifically those cardboard sticks that came with Topps cards.

- Help save the planet… recycle it.

- Use it as kindling.

- Use it to track Brett Favre’s many retirements.

- Use it to jot notes on Bill Belichick’s post-game speeches (with room to spare).

- Store it away with my Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds rookie cards.

- Use along with others in the Steroid Era to create wallpaper (in Martha Stewart-like fashion).

- Cut it into an asterisk shape and use as an ornament for the holidays.

- Use it to keep track of how many offspring Travis Henry has (trust me, you’ll need a pen and something to write on).

And last but certainly but least…

- Use as emergency T.P.

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* Note: This is a spinoff and slight variation of a post from the blog I kept at Fox Sports (KP’s Blog) – and one that was originally written on February 21, 2008

** Disclaimer: This post is all in good fun.  In no way am I stating that Roger Clemens is guilty of using steroids or HGH.  I am however acknowledging the fact that his image is tarnished, and reports state that the value of his baseball cards have dropped dramatically over recent years.

As always, thanks for reading.  – KP – The Wife Hates Sports

The concept of a man hogging the remote is an old wive’s tale – literally.  Face it, the women get their hot little hands on the TV’s main life force just as much as we do – and that can result in a mean-spirited battle for couch potato domination… or perhaps something not quite that dramatic.

Either way, every man could use a leg up on the wife when it comes to the TV – and if I can do my part to help the men of the world survive, then gosh darnit, well… I’ve earned my man card for the week.

Take these TV nuggets of advice – coupling a great MAN event against something that’s syrupy sweet and PURE EVIL a.k.a. something the WIFE may want to see.

TAKE BACK the TV!!

Note: All times based off Eastern Time schedule – Check local listings for channel info

Remote Controlling: The Man’s TV Guide to Outsmart The WIFE

(August 11-15, 2010)

Wednesday August 11, 2010: Primetime

Balance a BEER on your stomach while you watch Jeter and the Yankees take on the Rangers

Two of the American League’s best teams face off, with the “Evil Empire” taking on Nolan’s boys in Arlington.  We’re not just talking must-see baseball, but plop your ass down the couch, see if you can balance a beer on your stomach baseball.

But don’t get comfortable, because that remote could be gone quicker than Ellen could be off of American Idol, because…

8:00 PM on TVGN – French Kiss – Starring Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline

Any romantic comedy that’s based in Paris – the city of love – is cause for a red flag.  We don’t care how bad Kevin Kline’s accent is in this movie THE WIFE is likely to be tempted to switch over.  Besides, there’s a character named Jean-Paul in this flick, and that’s never good.

SIDE NOTE ALERT: How has Big Brother managed to outlast shows like 24, or really any show that has carnage and explosions?  Seriously, if you actually watch Big Brother please raise your hand.  Scratch that… speak up – because I seriously don’t think I know one person that watches.

Thursday August 12, 2010: Primetime

8:00 PM on ESPN – NFL Exhibition – Carolina Panthers at Baltimore Ravens

8:00 PM on GOLF – Live From the PGA Championship

Men: Do your thumb exercises on the way home from work and prepare to get ready to use the “Previous Channel” button on your remote.

First, it’s NFL preseason – and we don’t care if Joe Blow or Johnny Underpants are playing for three-quarters of the game, it’s football and our mouths have been watering for it for months.  Here’s a dose where we could get a peak at Ravens newcomer Anquan Boldin or Carolina rookie QB Jimmy Clausen.

Will Tiger rebound at the PGA or be a train wreck again?

Second, there’s first round coverage of golf’s final major of the year – and people will be curious to see if Tiger will rebound, or continue to be a train wreck.

So, SECURE THE REMOTE because…

8:00 PM on FOX – So You Think You Can Dance – Season 7 Finale

If THE WIFE is hooked on this show, there’s a good shot that you’ll have your hands full, because tonight is finale night.

Personally, I get annoyed when a show that has judges that consistently showers its contestants with kindness.  This show needs a little dose of Simon Cowell.

Friday August 13, 2010: Primetime

Fridays are tough, because we all know there are a lot of different options – so it’s PICK YOUR PLEASURE – and among my recommendations from the sports world include Live From The PGA Championship (GOLF), NASCAR Racing Spring Cup Qualifying (SPEED), Little League Baseball (ESPN) and Hard Knocks: Training Camp With the New York Jets (HBO). There are also a few classic comedies (American Pie 2) and bang ‘em up, shoot ‘em up action flicks (Die Hard 2), too.

Unfortunately, it’s also PICK YOUR POISON…

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED:

8:00 PM – When a Man Loves a Woman – Starring Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia

Damn you, Meg Ryan – you’re up to no good again.  Let’s hope THE WIFE didn’t notice.

8:00 PM – Monster-InLaw – Starring Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez

C’mon now, the New York Jets will never let you hear the end of it if you wind up avoiding Hard Knocks for a romantic wedding comedy.  Oh and I’ll definitely tell Rex Ryan…

Saturday August 14 and Sunday August 15, 2010

Afternoon Hours – PGA Championship Third and Final Round Coverage

Avoid "The Cougar Click": Locklear's not worth getting stuck watching this movie

The headliner this weekend is the PGA Tour’s final major of the year – and by this point, we’ll have a good idea as to whether any of the big names like Tiger or Phil have a shot.

But before then, we must make sure that we don’t need to take a mulligan on remote access…

ESTROGEN COMPETITION:

Saturday August 14, 2010

2:30 PM on Oxygen – The Perfect Man – Starring Heather Locklear and Hilary Duff

Fight the urge to sneak a peak at the cougar Locklear.

3:00 PM on Lifetime – Because I Said So – Starring Mandy Moore and Diane Keaton

Don’t watch.  Why?  Well, because I said so… duh.

Sunday August 15, 2010

You’re likely to get competition from Definitely, Maybe on Oxygen at 4:30pm, plus He’s Just Not That Into You at 5:15pm on MOMAX.

However, if the PGA Championship and other events are not cutting the mustard, then the classic comedy Wedding Crashers is on Comedy Central at 5:30pm.

“Yes! Crabcakes and football, that’s what Maryland does!”

Hazing NFL rookies may just be as American as apple pie – or for all we know it may just involve a large quantity of pie filling.

Either way, the NFL hazing stories didn’t regularly hit the sports headlines until this season, specifically when Dallas Cowboys rookie WR Dez Bryant refused to carry Roy Williams’ pads a few weeks ago.

Now, it seems like the news of rookies being hazed are popping up faster than Albert Haynesworth could complete his conditioning test – a lot faster, actually.

It’s gotten to the point that no one is safe from not just hazing, but also having his story find its way to the media – and into the news.

That includes “The Chosen One”, himself.

Yes, even Tim Tebow gets hazed.

Let’s just say that the former Florida Gators star and first round draft pick by the Denver Broncos took his rookie hazing in stride… or so it appears.

Tebow’s teammate LenDale White broadcast the hazing incident to the world earlier today on Twitter, sending the following message and attaching a picture of the young QB’s new hairdo.

@thereal_lendale:

http://twitpic.com/2ckyyv – Look at tebow new hair style lmao… Loks good ROOK!!!!!!!!

Let’s just say that the kids of the world won’t be rushing out to the local barber (or stylist) requesting “The Tebow”.

But enough of the chatter about it… just took a look for yourself – if you haven’t seen it already.

Come to think of it, Tebow looks somewhat like Joe Pesci’s character in Home Alone after the top of his head was blowtorched.

Actually, an even better flick comes to mind…

“If this gets dented, then my hair just ain’t gonna look right.” – Eddie (National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation)

When men are asked about their favorite sports movies, often the list includes classics such as Caddyshack, Hoosiers, Major League, Slapshot and Field of Dreams – but what about THE WIFE?  Specifically a WIFE that HATES sports?  Let’s find out…

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A few weeks ago, we finally got around to watching The Blind Side. I absolutely loved it – such a feel-good, heart felt true story that’s well portrayed and entertaining. What’s not to love? While I might not always appreciate sports, I am certainly able to appreciate a good movie! And yes, the 2 sometimes do go hand in hand … so much so that I can even come up with a top 10 list.

The Wife’s Top Ten Greatest Sports Movies

I won’t even bother to say ‘of all time’ because that’s not a fair statement. I mean, I can hardly attempt to say I’ve seen them all and my tastes are obviously a bit biased =)

10. Days of Thunder

Ok, ok, don’t poke fun at this one. Remember, I grew up in a NASCAR household. Still, it features a young, still sane Tom Cruise!

9. Tin Cup

A younger, sexy Kevin Costner with Cheech as a sidekick. Pure entertainment.

8. Fever Pitch

It’s cute, quirky and set in Boston. Not to mention the excitement that they actually had to change the ending because the Red Sox finally pulled it off. Classic.

7. Remember the Titans

Yet another feel-good, classic sports movie. And who doesn’t love Denzel?

6. Jerry Maguire

“You had me at hello.” Need I say more?

5. Bend it Like Beckham

Seriously, what ‘wife’ can say they don’t like this movie??

4. Million Dollar Baby

Ugh, such a heart wrenching story and Clint Eastwood is amazing.

3. A League of Their Own

Tom Hanks is amazing along with an all-star cast (literally) and a throwback to an era that fascinates me.

2. The Blind Side

I’m not so sure Sandra Bullock’s performance was Oscar worthy, but if I were a member of the Tuohy family, I’d be thrilled by the entire movie.

1. The Cutting Edge

“Just remember who said it first.” I honestly think I could recite this entire movie by heart. And yes, figure skating is most definitely a sport.

The latest edition of Tomatoes climbs the vine of sports topics and touches upon many recent stories including football legends and their sons, golf legends faltering at another major, former NBA stars dreaming of a comeback and much, much more.

So as the headlines continue to get generated, more stories of sports frustration emerge.  Don’t sweat it, The Wife Hates Sports has them covered – in lycopene, that is.

Throwing Tomatoes: July 18, 2010

Nate Montana

…for being an apple that falls far from the tree.

Will Nate Montana be like his Dad, or just a "regular Joe"?

Nate Montana – a backup QB for Notre Dame and the son of Hall of Fame QB Joe Montana – was arrested for underage drinking over the weekend.

Fine, most college kids drink underage, I get that – but when you carry that name and family reputation for the Irish, one has to be smarter.

It’s not just making some critics think that the apple falls far from the tree, but instead of fruitful beginnings in South Bend, Irish fans are left thinking sour grapes.

Tiger Woods and the Media’s Crush

…for challenging my gag reflex.

A few years ago, I understood the media’s crush on Tiger Woods, even though I still felt it was a little much to show his every shot – even when out of contention during a major tournament.

Any chance we can tone down the Tiger coverage?

But now that he’s had his name dragged through the mud for months and months – and he’s failed to take a major or win a tournament all year, it’s about time that we take a step back in the Tiger coverage – just a hair.

Either that, or replace it with some more press conferences featuring Tiger and the British media – that would be the ‘bees knees’.

Pacquiao-Mayweather

… for being a sports topic with little punch.

It certainly feels like an eternity that this dream match between Pacquiao and Mayweather has been discussed.

In the end, it’s all bark and no bite.

As the deadline passes, it’s “blah blah blah”, trash talk stacked on top of trash talk – and in all likelihood, no match was decided upon because there wasn’t enough millions to go around for the two of them.

If you ask me, this story needs a permanent TKO.

Wendi Nix

…for botching a well-known sports movie line.

So I’m minding my own business watching coverage of the British Open championship, when Wendi Nix comes on to interview Rory McIlroy during coverage of the third round.

In the middle of the interview, Nix drops the line, “There’s no crying in football, so we’ll say there’s no crying in golf either…”

Hello, Wendi?

Talk about being in a “league of your own” – a female sportscaster that botches arguably one of the more famous lines in a sports movie featuring mostly females.

Maybe, I’m being a little overcritical – who knows.  I don’t know, what do you think, Tom?

Penny Hardaway

…for wanting to ride the coat tails of LeBron, D-Wade and Bosh.

I’ve already pitched in my two cents on this story, but it simply deserves a tomato, too – as Penny Hardaway has made it known that he’d like to come out of retirement and play for the Miami Heat this upcoming season.

Sure, if I had a penny for every person like Penny that said this, then… well… nevermind.

Joe Girardi

…for giving away an opportunity at home-field advantage in the World Series.

Joe Girardi could have handled the AL All-Star lineup better.

It’s no doubt a challenge when dealing with an All-Star lineup – and both Charlie Manuel and Joe Girardi were faced with a number of challenges in Anaheim a few short days ago.

But it’s Girardi that made the biggest blunders late in the game, leaving no speed on the bench and not pinch-running for Big Papi during a crucial time in the 9^th inning – one that could have made all the difference between earning home-field advantage and not.

Baseball and Mark Cuban

…for being a match made in hell.

Listen, I understand that Mark Cuban can be a strong personality, but he’s a passionate person and a great owner that puts a lot into his sports franchises.

The first part of that statement is why I understand why Major League Baseball continues to ignore him – first when he expressed interest in buying the Chicago Cubs, and recently when he “offered to help” with the Texas Rangers – a team that has had recent financial troubles and will be up for auction on August 4^th.

But wanting to win very badly and put blood, sweat and tears into his franchise… what’s wrong with that?

So, c’mon MLB – give “Cubes” a chance – this really could be a match made in heaven.

This has been Throwing Tomatoes, where no tears were shed in the writing of this post.