On Saturday evening, in exchange for my wife’s ongoing sacrifice of the television to my constant weekend craving for Barclay’s Premier League football, I handed off the remote control. Where did the TV end up?

I have no qualms about admitting that I had never before watched an episode of Blossom. I’m guessing that won’t surprise anyone, but I thought I’d put it out there. I don’t recall the show’s having been marketed to boys aged 15-20, and I’m pretty sure I would have avoided it anyway. Entering this hour of my life, the only thing I knew about Blossom is that Mayim Bialik was in it. I quickly noted that she has aged remarkably well, and doesn’t really look much different now than she did then.

Before The Big Bang Theory, Mayim Bialik was the star of Blossom

Before The Big Bang Theory, Mayim Bialik was the star of Blossom (Photo Credit: TV Guide)

My wife’s experience was different. “You’re watching an integral part of my middle-school life,” she related. On further questioning, she explained that she watched it “all the time,” and that all the girls her age had a thing for Joey Lawrence. That ties in nicely with a key statement she made prior to my further inquiry: “My middle-school self would have been very excited at the prospect of seeing Joey Lawrence in HD.”

Me: “So, what you’re saying is that you all watched it to stare at Joey Lawrence.”

My Wife: “I don’t know. I guess. [modest pause] Get off my lawn!”

We watched two episodes. The first one focused entirely on Blossom’s first period – and I don’t mean her first class of the school day. That was not the introduction to the series that I would have hoped for. The second one was about the girlfriend of some character (Blossom’s brother?) who formerly had a drug and theft problem but who allegedly got over the drug problem (but not really), but not the theft problem. I think.

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure.

Admittedly, as I began composing the first draft of this, I didn’t have a clue what the second episode was about. Dinner made it to the dining-room table. Said dinner included potato and cheese pierogi – you know, little dough pockets stuffed full of potato and cheese. I could eat potato and cheese pierogi all day, every day. Marrying into a Polish family has its advantages, my friends.

Just when I thought that I was ready to move on, my wife took some time to educate me on Joey Lawrence. Along with explaining to me that he routinely wore button-down shirts with no buttons buttoned, she introduced me to his musical stylings.

blossom-joey-lawrence

I bet Randall Cunningham was thrilled to see his jersey in this video

“He also released an album,” she explained to me as she held her notebook computer so that I could watch. I didn’t really say anything; instead, I just sat there, mouth agape, wondering what horrible sin I had committed to be subjected to that treatment.

My Wife: “Yeah, it’s pretty terrible. Just wait ‘til it gets to the part where he raps.”

Me: “Oh, good. Hey, look at the cat. He’s trying to retract his head into his torso to get away from this.” [This was actually happening. The ASPCA will likely be paying us a visit, asking why we made the cat listen to Joey Lawrence music.]

My Wife: [too busy laughing to respond]

The part of the video in which he raps, by the way, was indeed not good.

“Just look at his hair flying in the breeze!” – My Wife

“Just look at his hair flying in the breeze!” – My Wife

I’m glad she’s long since grown out of her Joey Lawrence phase.

Darrell Harden never envisioned that he would write about Blossom, Joey Lawrence, or anything related. Assuming he recovers from this experience, he’ll continue to occasionally write about sports (and, apparently, other things) when he’s not out training for his next race. You can commiserate with him on Twitter at @Darrell_Harden.

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