With the NFL celebrating the big five-0, it felt like the perfect time to throw the greatest Super Bowl party ever.
Past failed attempts would not deter me and I immediately consulted my little black book, which happens to contain a plethora of contacts for countless celebrities in both the entertainment business and sports world.
Sad to say, after all my efforts, I struck out miserably – much like Robert DeNiro did with Dirty Grandpa.
Either way, I felt it would be worth sharing the responses that I DID receive:
Celebrity Excuses for NOT Attending My Super Bowl Party (2016 Edition)
Steve Harvey – He accepted. I think that means he’s not coming.
Mike Krzyzewski – No RSVP from Coach K… not even a social media handshake to say thank you for the invite.
David Blatt – I’m bummed because if he had shown up, I wouldn’t have needed to worry about him criticizing my spread.
Blake Griffin – Considering what he does to his friends, I’m happy he declined.
Johnny Manziel – I’m shocked he said no. Perhaps there’s just not enough social media in my house to catch him in the act of partying. Maybe Billy will show up.
Donald Trump – He didn’t like the fence in my yard because it wasn’t sound enough to keep all the intruders out.
Mark Hamill – He said he might show up for the final few minutes of the game. Either way, I don’t plan to advertise that he’ll be here.
Jim Harbaugh – He gave no reason. My best guess is Wal-Mart had a sale on pants.
Michael Phelps– I wouldn’t let him jump out from behind a curtain wearing only a Speedo. That and Harbaugh won’t be here to lend him any pants.
Rick Pitino – It’s a postseason game, so he has no plans to attend.
Marshawn Lynch – He said he’s still verbally exhausted from telling Kenny Mayne “I’m ready” during the NFL Playoffs. It’s a damn shame, because I bought a boatload of Skittles.
Travis Kelce – What football player has a date during the Super Bowl? C’mon, that can’t be a real excuse, can it?
Jaleel White – My gut says he’s trying to pitch a show called ‘Family Still Matters’ to Netflix.
Robert Griffin III – He left me a message stating to “Eat guacamole anyway, have fun anyway, play Super Bowl squares anyway, drink craft beer anyway”. Yeah, a simple ‘NO’ would have sufficed.
Eddie Lacy – Once the Packers saw the menu on my invitation, they wouldn’t let him come.
Stephen Gostkowski – Strange, he usually doesn’t miss opportunities that are presented to him. I guess lightning can strike twice.
Lane Kiffin – He said he was going to attend, but got left behind. What’s up with the recycled humor, Coach? At least send Layla.
And last, but certainly not least…
Lady Gaga – She had last minute plans at the Super Bowl. It’s probably for the best, as I was concerned that she’d try to wear all the appetizers.
It appears there will be no famous people at my humble abode on Super Bowl Sunday.
Seriously, what the heck am I going to do with all this seven-layer dip?
Oh well, enjoy Super Bowl 50, friends!
Disclaimer: In all honesty, I know zero celebrities – and don’t even own a little black book. This was merely an attempt at humor, but hey, you probably knew that already, didn’t you?