THE WIFE decided that without football in the way, this past Sunday would be as good as any to hit a hardware store striving to complete a soon-to-be house project.
Only, this project isn’t anything that Tim Taylor would grunt about, so don’t get your tool belt all in a twist due to all the excitement.
The assignment: Choosing Paint Colors
Anything can be entertaining if you put your mind to it – especially this project, as it turned out – which didn’t sound too attractive on paper… or should I say walls?
The funny thing is: Paint color names may be among the most ridiculous on Earth – so much that they can bring many laughs to an otherwise dull Sunday.
Take the following real-life examples: Gypsy Love, Hot Lips, Crocodile Tears, Chickadee, Mercy Me, Quantum Leap, Faithful Decision, Sticky Glue, Ringmaster, Beebop, Fellow Companion, Savory Taste, Princely, Saucy, Deer Path, Secret Garden, Tippy Toes, Sailor’s Delight, I’ve Got The Blues and what may be my personal favorite, Shy Cherry… yeah, definitely not a color that Tiger Woods has ever used to paint one of his rooms.
Damn, I went there – and I’m also going here – and putting together a list of paint colors and what they would be called if applied to some of the teams, stars and coaches in the world of sports.
The World of Sports Described in Ridiculous Paint Color Names
Tom Brady – Bieber Brown
Dude, Tom – seriously, what’s with the new ‘do, man?
Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens – Celebration
Imagine the touchdown creativity that will ensue with these two personalities on the field in Cincinnati. They can only be painted in “Celebration”…
Joe Paterno – Longevity
Harp all you want on his health, Paterno is back – and he doesn’t appear to be going anywhere just yet. Just don’t paint the helmets.
Rick Pitino – Infidelity
It’s definitely a member of the cardinal-red family, but I hear this paint color dries in seconds.
Rich Rodriguez – Hot Seat
It’s deep, warm and fiery – and not your standard color, but more so of one that tends to break all the rules.
Brett Favre – Indecision
C’mon, could it have been anything else? Actually, it almost sounds like a fragrance that Brett should market, too. Indecision, by Calvin Klein…
Albert Haynesworth – Asinine Red
Move along, Brett Favre… Albert Haynesworth is easily the most annoying story during this NFL offseason – and it’s not even close. He’s doused in asinine red.
Buck Showalter – Orange You Glad
Seriously, the color names are this bad… and besides, the folks in the Charm City are glad that Buck is managing the Birds, and getting them to wake up and play some ball lately.
LeBron James – South Beach
It’s the color of money, victory and relocation all mixed into one. Oh, and it smells a little bit like burning polyester jerseys.
Tarvaris Jackson – Bitter Pill
It’s a mixture of purple and red – much like a shade of red that someone turns in the face when they are disgusted, frustrated, or angry.
Chris Peterson & Boise State Football – Smurf Turf
Sure, it’s the official color of the football field, but now… bring it into your home or turn your lawn into Broncos heaven! Either that, or piss off THE WIFE and sing “La la la-la-la-la” while you paint.
Stephen Strasburg & Bryce Harper – Franchise
Who knows, maybe this rich color is painted on both Strasburg and Harper’s lockers within the Nationals organization. Soon, Strasburg’s may need a primer, followed by a replacement color called “Injury Prone”.
Oregon Football – Duck and Cover
No one knows what the hell this color really is, because it changes so frequently.
Darrelle Revis – Revis Island Green
Yes, of course it’s green – but not so much a kelly green shade that one would expect – and instead closer to the color of money.
Rory McIlroy – Poke The Bear
If McIlroy were to wear golf outfits of a specific color, it should be called “Poke the Bear”, mainly due to his recent comments about Tiger Woods and how he’d love to play him at The Ryder Cup. Talk about potentially waking a sleeping giant… yikes.
Rex Ryan and Ozzie Guillen – Expletive
Rumor has it that each of these coaches has their homes covered in this shade that can’t be described in any other way than “$%#@ing great”.
Tim Tebow – Walk On Water
Yeah, enough said.
The next time you’re searching for paint – I bet it will be a whole new ballgame for you.
* This post is for humor-related purposes only – and no rumor mentioned is true.