Baseball’s steroid era has a new wrinkle, and has once again been thrust back into the news – much like a needle into Jose Canseco’s you-know-what.
This time, it is Roger Clemens resurfacing into the headlines – and the news isn’t good for the seven-time Cy Young award winner known as “The Rocket”.
Earlier today, Clemens was indicted by a federal grand jury and faces six counts, including allegedly lying to Congress in regards to steroid and HGH use.
So, more importantly… the question I’m once again faced with is: What to do with that Roger Clemens rookie card?
Heck, I’ve had it since I was a kid, but now, I think there may be some better uses for it. And just think, all this time, I thought I was sitting on a gold mine disguised in cardboard form.
Instead, the recent story in the “Clemens Saga” has likely further caused the value of that card to plummet faster than the career of Lindsay Lohan. Just like Formula 409, there are a thousand uses for that Clemens piece of paraphernalia, all likely to be more valuable than the card itself.
Take the following possibilities…
New Uses for My Roger Clemens Rookie Card**
– Use as a bookmark in Jose Canseco’s book “Juiced”.
– Put it on eBay packaged with a LeBron James Cavaliers jersey.
– File it away with my Enron stock.
– Grab a pencil and track all the changes to the Mountain West Conference.
– Use as a flap on a bike wheel.
– Use as a replacement for the missing “Joker” card in my incomplete deck.
– Keep a running tally (and competition) to compare the number of F-bombs between Ozzie Guillen and Rex Ryan.
– Place it under the leg of an unbalanced table.
– Use as an accessory in the payload of a model rocket… ahh, the irony.
– Store in a dictionary where the word “misremembered” should appear.
– Use as trade bait for a fabricated Senator Mitchell rookie card.
– Morph it into a Garbage Pail Kid card, titled “’Roid Roger”.
– Use as a canary cage liner.
– Store it in a Miller Lite can and give it to McNamee years down the road.
– Use as a drink coaster.
– Trade it for a card to be named later.
– Use as a place to put used gum, specifically those cardboard sticks that came with Topps cards.
– Help save the planet… recycle it.
– Use it as kindling.
– Use it to track Brett Favre’s many retirements.
– Use it to jot notes on Bill Belichick’s post-game speeches (with room to spare).
– Store it away with my Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds rookie cards.
– Use along with others in the Steroid Era to create wallpaper (in Martha Stewart-like fashion).
– Cut it into an asterisk shape and use as an ornament for the holidays.
– Use it to keep track of how many offspring Travis Henry has (trust me, you’ll need a pen and something to write on).
And last but certainly but least…
– Use as emergency T.P.
** Disclaimer: This post is all in good fun. In no way am I stating that Roger Clemens is guilty of using steroids or HGH. I am however acknowledging the fact that his image is tarnished, and reports state that the value of his baseball cards have dropped dramatically over recent years.
As always, thanks for reading. – KP – The Wife Hates Sports