Recently, yours truly dabbled in the art of playoff beard growth.
Call it in the honor of sports, from the NHL, where players make it a point to get as scraggly as a wildebeest, to the NBA players that do it – though besides the occasional Pau Gasol, the pro ballers would likely choose the way of a “tat growing” contest instead.
Or maybe it was in the honor of baseball, but only for the franchises that allow such a thing, such as the Red Sox, featuring guys like Kevin Youkilis, who could likely hide a few small woodland animals in his face.
Call it pure laziness, where a day that a misplaced shaver turns into a day where a found shaver with no charge in it, to a landscape of stubble that really wasn’t stubble at all but more of a mixture of sandpaper and skin.
And poof! A contest is born… but what type of playoff beard could be grown? Here’s to hoping I can make the men of sports proud with these hair-filled concoctions…
The Griffin Bird Beard
Give it some time and maybe a bushy circular mass could be formed, say resembling Peter Griffin’s character on Family Guy, specifically in the episode where he eventually had an endangered bird make a nest in his beard. As a result, he couldn’t harm the bird, and couldn’t eat either.
Yeah, sounds tasty.
The Speedy-Sein Beard
Hey, if you want to resemble a true gritty sports player, one must grow with authority, say like Jerry Seinfeld on his show, during the episode with the Wolf-mocking scene at the end. This was also the muffin tops show, where Jerry would get a five o’clock shadow quicker than one could say “quarter past my skin”. In the end, he began shaving for a woman, because she loved everything hairless.
Dang, that would help the cause.
The Una-Phoenix Beard
Then there’s the beard type that comes across as not the least bit well groomed. Take Joaquin Phoenix’s latest look, where he made an appearance on David Letterman’s show and Dave tossed a “Unabomber” zing in his direction. This beard needs grooming, and it’s one that Alex Ovechkin would be jealous of.
Messy and wayward, but quite effective.
Polling the Community
As a fan of sports, and someone who has witnessed the art of the playoff beard, I want to poll the community – have any of you grown a playoff beard or done anything crazy or insane to support your team? If so, what? I want to hear about it!
There are a lot of teams out there that have promoted such things – in fact, the Washington Capitals had a playoff beard growing contest during the most recent NHL Playoffs.
In the End: The McBeard
In the end, in regards to my beard, days went by and it was more a “Josh-McDaniels-like” face that resulted… more of a McBeard if you will… the hair was there, but it was more of a baby’s bottom than anything else.
Heck, who am I kidding? McDaniels could probably take me.
Maybe I should contact the Olympics committee, maybe we’re onto something here.
Then again, maybe not.
Shaver, you win. This thing itches like hell anyway.
Headlined Youkilis photo by Aaron Josefczyk/Reuters
Originally posted to KP’s Blog (via Fox Sports) on May 31, 2009